No Worries: Some Strategies For Helping Students Develop Coping and Communication Skills

 

I heard the phrase “no worries” twice before ten o’clock this morning.  You know the one.  It’s used to suggest that whatever you did was not so negatively impactful that you have to beat yourself up or dwell.  We never say it to ourselves though; and we never say it to the person or the people who we might have impacted in negative ways.  Like, “I just bumped into your car in the parking lot.  There’s quite a ugly looking dent in the passengers side door, but no worries.”  That’s not how it works…and rightfully so, because it wouldn’t be comfortable let alone acceptable for everyone involved.

What if we did feel comfortable saying to ourselves though?  Not to excuse ourselves from accountability but to forgive ourselves for reasonable, well-intentioned mistake making in favor of positive next steps.  What if we taught the children that we serve to do the same?

The fact is, we’re faced with the same challenges that we’re faced with whether we overwhelm ourselves with worry or not.  Some would even argue that a worried mind tends to distort the way, while a calm mind tends to illuminate increasingly clear paths.  I would argue that.  I can’t always calm my mind, forgive myself for the many mistakes I make, or reduce my frequent worry, but when I can it helps.  With a calm mind I see things more lucidly, I act with enhanced intention, I tread a more positive path, and I simply feel better.

Given the multiple benefits I’ve experienced as a result of reducing worry with a focus on growth and progress in my life, I’ve worked to find ways to help the students I serve do the same.  Below are a few of those ways that have produced positive results.

Say it.  This one’s relatively easy.  When students are overly worried or upset you can remind them that things are going to be ok.  My goal in using this strategy is not to dismiss the situation at hand but to help students reframe it.  I admit to them that it’s a challenge, and then I calmly work to help them see that they can be having a challenge while frustrated and worried or they can be having a challenge with calm and thoughtfulness in mind.  I remind them that the choice truly is their own.  I let them know that when I choose the latter things unfailingly turn out better in the long run.

For example, my five-year-old son sometimes comes to me in an emotionally heightened state with some relatively momentous concern in mind.  Maybe his sister wrecked his Lego structure, or maybe his brother wouldn’t stop repeating every word he said for the past half hour.  Both are reasonably frustrating experiences, neither is ever enhanced by focused or extended worry.  Besides, that’s what you get for having brothers and sisters.

When I have the patience to remember my core, and to remind myself of the faith I have in patient reflection for meaningful growth, I like to suggest that he start by calming down.  I tell him that when we’re calm we think better.  Believe it or not, even a five-year-old can understand that.  Just saying it seems to help, and the more (and more consistently) I say it, the more it does.  I believe that telling a child less worry and more thoughtfulness contributes to a consistently joyful life is at the very least decent start to helping him have one.

Suggest alternatives.  If my recommendations about calm and thoughtfulness are well received the stage is set for a few suggestions.  I like to point out that straightforward, positive, non-emotional assertiveness works well most of the time, and that when it doesn’t, coping is helpful.  I walk through some scenarios and ask for input.  Then I wait for that input.  You would be surprised at the incredible ideas even the youngest kids will come up with.  Or, if you’ve asked before…you wouldn’t be surprised.  Talk about the alternatives, suggest the use of one or two, and then coach that kid up!

Smile.  When I’m suggesting that someone doesn’t worry its best that I myself am not worried too.  A genuine smile can help reduce worry and show that it’s reduced.  Genuine.

Express unwavering faith.  I believe that all people, young and old, have the capacity to pull it together for thoughtful reflection and patient decision making that leads to calm action, even in times of heightened stress.  In my experience, expressing that belief to students when I’m coaching them on positive conflict resolution and coping mechanisms goes a long way.  I know they can do it.  My goal is for them to know it too.

Model.  This is probably the toughest one.  It’s a lot easier to advise than to practice.  I can tell people not to worry ten times each day and fifteen time on Sunday afternoon, but I still worry too much!  The idea is that I keep trying and that I try really hard when I’m in front of people who I want to impress with the notion that it’s the right thing to do…specifically the children that I serve.  I work on it every day.  As my ability to reduce worry is enhanced, so are the moments of my life.

Follow up.  I make it a point to regularly check in with students who I’m working with on these strategies.  Frequently, when I’m able to find them in times of minimal struggle we can engage in meaningful conversations about related progress.  At first when you start to call students to the principal’s office or randomly pop into classrooms to see them, they wonder if they’re in trouble.  However, when you make a habit of spending time with students just to walk, talk, learn, and catch up, they come to understand that not only are they not in trouble, but that you care.

Most often the results of these efforts are slow and even unnoticeable for some time.  Occasionally I’ll find a student enthusiastically waxing rhapsodic about strides he or she is making in the area of coping and communication with “Guess what I did?” or  “I worked through a challenge just the way we talked about!”  Either way, I firmly believe that these this skill development will serve my students well throughout their lives, so I’m going to keep working on getting better at helping them through it.  I’ll continue to reflect and report out as I do.

How do you help your students develop coping and communication skills?  As always, input is welcome and appreciated!

Live. Learn. Lead.

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Dream Big. Work Hard. Be Well.

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